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Thu, May. 11th, 2006, 01:47 pm

haha i forgot how easy doing ne thing on livejournals can make things ridiculous, eh whatever, didnt mean to offend ne1, it's jus what's been on my mind, n dr. miller told me i should let it out

Tue, Feb. 21st, 2006, 08:53 pm
so true

"I worry, I wonder all the time why worry? It's killing me, forget about it..."

Sun, Jan. 29th, 2006, 10:46 am
change in plans

so i went in today for the meeting at 10 and then expecting to go back at 1 for my 1 to 9 shift at bamboo club, but then out of nowhere they announce that last night was our "last night", no more bamboo club... this is the first job that i will actually miss, i loved all the managers n most of the co-workers, the job was fun, but WOOP, in a split second im unemployed n bummed out, altho i guess one good thing to look forward to now is later today when trisha hits me up, we're all goin out to a bar n havin' some fun to get the bum-ness out, including mark and bobby which will b awesome, *sigh* time for me to start all over again

Wed, Sep. 28th, 2005, 07:41 pm
ne1 involved w/ the drama 2 nights ago needs to read this

alright, ive been losing sleep over all of this b/c ive been thinking about this way too much:

To Jon, Stacey, Joe, and whoever else feels that emily is "mistreating" me: alright, ive been wanting to straighten this all out w/ u all a long time ago but unfortunately it kept slipping my mind. so, first things first, i do things for emily b/c i love doing it, that's just how i am, i love taking care of her, i never refuse doing things for her not because im "whipped" or whatever, but b/c i jus love to do it. now, i drive her all around b/c i also love doing that, i jus love driving in general. i mean there r plenty of times when she insists on driving but i always refuse b/c i want to b the one to drive. especially when my grandma had passed away, that night she kept insisting that she drives n krissy was even there, she said " no you are not in the right state of mind to drive" but i refused anyway b/c it helps keep my mind off shit n it kept me from balling my eyes out. you wonder y she never drives her car, this is b/c her car is not very reliable, it tends to jus randomly not start. there r a bunch of times when she insists on driving her car but i tell her no ill drive you b/c i wanted to. when i decided that, i already knew that id b leaving early from practice or from chilling, so stop thinking that it's her "mistreating" me. i love to pay for her food, there r plenty of times when she even gets pissed off that i pay for her b/c she knows my financial position but i dont care b/c i love doing it.

you r all basing ur opinions from seeing not even half of our relationship. every morning that we wake up n im hungry, she'll go cook food. every time we decide not to eat out, she'll cook the food. she cleans up after me (dirty dishes, trash, ne mess that ive made, etc. etc. etc.). she even does my laundry, n she never asks, she says she's gonna do these things, i ask r u sure? n she'd say yea. she even offers to pay for gas n for my food but i always refuse b/c that's jus how i am. i let her make most of the decisions b/c well, i pretty much cant make decisions whatsoever. you can even ask krissy, she gets mad at me b/c i never make decisions. therefore she does me a favor n jus makes the decision. she also always makes sure that i kno that she appreciates everything that i do for her. the last time she let me know was about a week ago n she doesnt tell me all the time so that i dont get sick of hearing it over n over again. if our relationship is how you all think it is, i would hav picked up and left a long time ago. but you know what, it's not, i do things for her n she does jus as much for me, unfortunately you all aren't there to see it. if there're things that aren't listed here that bother u all then let me know n ill straighten it out for you. i doubt you'd ask sarah or tori bout this but u can definately also talk to Ryan kalinowski bout this b/c we've hung out w/ him a lot this summer n he has witnessed everything n knows that we treat each other equally.

now, ive been hearing that she treats u all jus like how she "mistreats" me n that's y u were being assholes to her before the drama 2 nights ago. well in my honest opinion, you guys went through it in all the wrong ways. the very first SECOND that this started happening, you all should hav pulled her aside n been like look, this is waht's bothering me, it's not cool, etc. etc. etc. but instead, you guys never even mentioned it to her n jus assumed that she'd get it over time, but you know what? that's bullshit, she didnt even know she was doing these things n shit, even i didnt know about this. when i was told this i was really baffled b/c i never saw it. i mean for example, jon, when krissy n emily n whoever else was telling you that when they first met u they thought u were a big asshole b/c of the little things u did n u were jus blown away. you didnt even know you did those things n couldnt help it. this is pretty much the same situation, if u guys had jus talked w/ her about it a long time ago, she would hav apologized n stopped what she was doing n things could b so much different by now. i think krissy informed her of some of these things last night but i dont know if she still knows all of it so you still need to talk to her about that stuff, otherwise it's quite unfair to her.

w/ all that said, now i hav my separate things for the 2 ppl that ive talked to-

Jon - i still appreciate you talking to me about all that stuff n that u could talk it over w/ me in a mature manner unlike some people that ive talked to. you let me know that you weren't trying to break us up but jus giving me information to think about n that i could do whatever i wanted w/ the information given to me. so that's exactly what i did. however, when i talked to eric, it wasn't b/c i called him, it was b/c i talked to emily about this n she called eric to talk w/ him about it n find out what the hell was going on n he was the one that wanted to talk to me. n then this is what gets me, after u got that phone call from eric, you started denying left n right about the things you said n that's jus really suspicious to me. now, this was about half an hour after we had talked n when someone tells me the things you've told me, i never forget a single word b/c 1: it hurts, 2: it's shocking, and 3: i wouldnt wanna screw things up more than it already has become.

now, you DID say that ERIC said they still talked about it n that he had been telling you up until a month or so ago when you stopped hanging out w/ him regularly. BUT as the conversation went along you did start saying that they still talked about it n u were baffled that eric would even say some of the things that he's said. now right there, could b where some miscommunication had taken place. now the weird thing is that i thought i would hav been more shocked hearing all the stuff u were saying to me but for some reason i wasnt n ive finally figured it out. most of the stuff that you had told me, i had already heard n known about when emily had mentioned it to me a few months ago. except when you told me it was put in present tense, after the drama w/ her n eric n me had ended. i even remember her telling me that her n eric had talked at jeffs n decided that nothing was gonna happen, there was nothing there ne more, n to jus move on from that night (the jeff's house thing is what she told me n i do remember it, it's no new information).

IF what you say is true about eric talking about that stuff, then you emily n eric need to sit down n figure out what the hell is going on b/c something went wrong there. altho eric does admit that he may hav said some things but can't remember, therefore he wasn't going to deny it. ive known emily for over 3 years n she's been one of my best friends for a very long time. this past year has given me a chance to notice all the little things n realize the little things she does when she lies. she usually takes a quick moment before explaining ne thing n pause in the middle to gather thoughts and has a certain facial expression n pretty much ne lil thing she does that gives it away. however, when i was talking to her that night, she immediately came out w/ everything w/o pause or even a chance to think. she told me what really happened n that they had ended it months ago. if she was lieing i would hav been able to tell.

if she had actually said all that stuff to eric, she would hav admitted it b/c she had no reason to even deny it b/c i made sure to tell her that everyone heard about this, therefore w/ no reason to deny it when she already thought everyone was gonna dislike her for this or whatever.she never lies to me, she never lied to me the first time so y lie about it now. n u may say "she was cornered" or whatever but i cornered her the same way the first time n she buckled. i even told her the first time that if she had lied to me, i would hav known n i would hav known the same way this time. she didnt even see this subject coming up. therefore, she had no part in this unless you heard her talking to eric about this or she told you about it. if you hav that evidence, then let me know, n hav eric there to confirm. otherwise, this is a miscommunication between u n eric.

Joe - hmm... you are the main reason y i stay up until 5 or 6 in the morning thinking about stuff. i thought you would hav handled a situation like this a lot better but instead, you were childish, stubborn, and ignorant. you say that you "grew the balls" to say shit like this n to me that jus sounds like u did it for urself n u didnt even handle ne thing the right way. what's funny is that APPARENTLY you know me OH SO WELL n said "you know what dude i can c that you're not thinking clearly b/c emily is around you so ill talk to u tomorrow" well guess what joe, ive been staying up thinking about this shit for 2 fucking days now n i STILL hav the same fucking arguement. i listened to you n took in what you had to say but you didnt even try to take the chance to listen to me n the possibilities b/c you wanted to b mr."im right you're wrong". well im HOPING that mayb THIS FUCKING TIME, you will open up your FUCKING MIND instead of keeping a lock on the door. speaking of keeping ur mind open, make sure to remember throughout this post that i am not calling you a liar, i am saying that given the circumstances, there is a lot of room for miscommunication, which isn't saying u r lieing, but that you could hav heard things the wrong way.

the party was about a month ago n as u said, there was LOUD music and you two were WHISPERING to each other. now let's see... im pretty sure anyone can agree w/ me on this but there is a DAMN good chance that there could hav been miscommunication there. she could hav said "i likeD you" and you could hav took it in for "i like you" (o yea this is where you go NO THERE WAS NONE IM RIGHT YOU'RE WRONG BLA BLA FUCKING BLA I REMEMBER) well ya know what joe?!?!?! everyone can say that you got hammered that night, whether or not it was before or after ur conversation w/ her. n ne normal person fucking person who has had a conversation w/ someone a month ago n got wasted later that night would not remember ENTIRELY... WORD BY WORD... how the conversation went about. it is NORMAL to mix things up n think something else when it has been this long. now she was sober that night, i remember b/c she was sick n didnt want to get fucked up at all n was gonna b my DD. to think that she would say that "she liked you" while she was sober n while i was there, doesnt make ne sense to me b/c she would know the consequences of that, especially since it had happened before w/ her n eric n all the shit that had happened. you say that she was asking for attention n i say that you're jus being naive.

another thing to add is that on that night when she was talking to you on the phone, I WAS THERE LISTENING. then when you called me n was saying "she's calling me a liar" or "she's saying that im lieing" well ya know what? not ONCE in your conversation did i even HEAR her suggest that u were lieing. instead she was saying that mayb there was some miscommunication in there and you took it the wrong way n tried to talk about it but you were all "no no im fucking right you're wrong" n then she said that mayb she said something like that but didnt mean it in that way or in that context but u still had ur head up ur ass. there is a BIG difference between suggesting things were mixed up and calling someone a liar.

now on to some of the things that hav been really PISSING me off. after that night she never said one fucking word to you or about you in an offending manner. o and yet you're going around ppl's livejournal's posting shit that put's her down and insults her, pretty much you're just acting like a little girl. what i wrote up there for jon was much more mature than this is b/c 1: you're pissing me off the most, not b/c of what u said but b/c u're just not listening n seeing the possibilities, and 2: if you wanna act like a high schooler then fine, ill treat you like one. straight up, you know it takes a lot to piss me off n frankly you need to get ur head out of ur ass.

if you think you know so much about everyone and everything and saying that emily is a liar, then what else has she lied about joe? hmm??? i seriously would like to know b/c i sure as fuck dont think she has ne thing to lie about. o n before you start saying that she's the "biggest gossiper" you know or the "biggest shit talker" or whatever, take one big fucking step back and look at yourself. in my opinion, you r pretty big at shit talking yourself, you talked shit about krissy yet you still hung around her, you even let out some about eric, o AND you said shit about jon after zach's thing awhile back too. but that's alright b/c jon has said some pretty shitty stuff bout you too but i doubt he cares that you know. i would LOVE to share this with everyone but you know what, i wont put it on here b/c im not a dickhead like that. so if ne1 has ne doubts about this then lemme know b/c i will tell u just what joe has said. n if u'd like to know what jon said then all u hav to do is ask. as for the gossip, she never had ne thing to gossip about b/c everything HAD been going fucking awesome up until now. n yet what were u guys doing that night at krissy's? o yes, you were all gossiping.

what boggles me the most is how you r reacting now. if it was SUCH A BIG DEAL then y weren't you acting like a total ass to her when this first took place? hmm? instead, you continued to hang out around her, talked w/ her, joked and had a good time, n even hung out w/ her by urself once n watched UFC. n then once jon pipes in about talking to me you do a COMPLETE 180 n flip ur shit out of nowhere. this doesnt make one bit of fucking sense to me at all. the old joe that i knew would hav been like wtf, stopped hanging out around her, n then i would ask what the deal was n then he'd tell me. if ne1 else were in ur situation, they would hav done just that.

you had a whole month, a WHOLE FUCKING MONTH to tell me this shit and yet you waited until jon wanted to say somethin. ur reasons r that u had to work a lot n bla bla bla well guess what, i bet that u had at LEAST 10 or 15 FUCKING minutes in every day to pick up the phone, b like stan i hav to talk to u alone n i would hav dropped her off or left the car JUST like 2 nights ago n listened to what u had to say, so her being around me all the time is NOT a very good reason not to talk to me. n then i asked u y u didnt tell me that night of the party n ur reason is "well i didnt wanna ruin the party n i jus wanted to hav a good time" n that is FUCKING BULLSHIT RIGHT THERE, you're fucking telling me that instead of letting your best friend know about some "fucked up" shit like this, you would rather just get trashed. once again, ur reasons r jus bullshit n leading me farther away from considering that u may b right.

honestly the way you're reacting now just sickens me. you say that emily has done this "fucked up" shit by saying that "she liked you" and saying that she's the worst person in the world n she's hurting me so much, well guess the fuck what joe? before you start putting that name on her, y dont u take another fucking step back n look at what you've done to me AND eric. think about all the fucked up shit that YOU'VE fuckin done. i dunno bout you but i govern that if she did say what u say she said, it's so much lesser than what you hav done. i could list off right here who you hav fucked, not fucked over, but had sex w/ that hurt me and eric, and every single one of my lj friends will b able to read it, but i wont name them b/c im not a fucking dick like that. so w/ that said, pretty much how u're reacting to her right now is telling me that i should take back all the times that ive accepted ur apology n jus giv you a big FUCK YOU. we hav all covered for your ass so many times on so much shit n the way u've been acting the past 2 days has jus driven me to the point where i jus dont care ne more n jus really close to letting ppl know how u really r.

now... you and jon say that this is not a ploy to break us up and that it's my decision, but then again... YOU THREATENED ME IF I DIDNT BREAK UP W/ HER... let's see here: "if you spend the night at her house im gonna b so pissed at you" "if you dont get rid of her we're all gonna lose a lot of respect for you" "she doesn't deserve you, you need to get rid of her"... you may say that it's not a plan to break us up but it sure as hell fucking sounds like it.

you can say anything you want, "she's brain washed stan" or whatever the fuck you wanna say to make urself seem righteous but i hav heard and seen every thing that's been goin on n she has not said one damn thing to me about you. this is all me buddy boy, you hav not only lost pretty much all respect from me but you've lost it from eric too. good job, you just pissed two of your best friends off to the point where there's ALMOST no turning back, keep in mind, not b/c of what u said, but b/c of ur actions.

you all think you're so righteous by saying all this shit but you all don't even hav every single piece of the puzzle. you're just making up a picture that you'd like to see.

now... FUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU who loses respect for me b/c of this decision that i make, if you all can't accept the fucking fact that im EXTREMELY happy w/ this relationship b/c ive never had one that is as great as this one and be happy for me and get over urselves, then you dont even deserve to b called a friend by ne1. i dont criticize, talk shit, or judge ne of ur relationships or ne thing in ur personal life b/c i figure that mayb u're happier that way, so dont fucking do that shit to me b/c im just tired of it. if you find something out, next time make sure u get all the right information from the ppl involved in it instead of spouting out of ur ass. the problem w/ this "group" is that no one ever communicates w/ each n every person about problems that they've got w/ ppl n that's how so much drama is created. im done posting now.

Mon, Sep. 12th, 2005, 07:50 pm

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Fri, Aug. 12th, 2005, 01:56 am
Drain the Spirit, Drain My Soul

Reality creeps up behind these eyes to finally see The truth behind false angels and false beliefs One thought goes through Another meaning shows Another group comes And another scene grows The theater fades as deception is born through a rose Regret is not a customer that comes and goes This wave sweeps through when the tide is high It grows with each day that I die Giving up never gets by So keep it up, keep it going I'm swimming to keep it moving But the shore seems to drift away The toxins they help form a circle Around the thoughts that crave To shave away the spirit Building upon another grave There's only so much time it saves Until the final ending is created Once it wears off there's no knowing Whether this time it stops Or if it'll just keep growing Civilians watch intently But they won't help their king Their beloved life support one night Just another fading memory another night Watching and waiting For him to cave in Just another sitcom For producers to tape How much longer until he drowns? How far until he hits the bottom? How hard is his defensive shell? How is it that he could always tell?

Tue, Aug. 9th, 2005, 01:37 pm
This is the way it goes...

i hav no words for last night, except that i was obliterated. i had one of the craziest dreams ive ever had in a long time. it started out w/ us in some huge mansion/warehouse place and we were trying to get everything together n head out to play a show. for some reason i was driving one of those old school hot rods or whatever, except mine was missing both doors. seeing as how all my cds were strewn on the floor of the car, i was surprised that they never fell out when i took turns. ne way, jeff had a huge van thingy n he was  supposed to bring it around to us so we could start packing the band equipment. i looked around n realized i didnt see the equipment ne where but i didnt ask eric cuz i thought id look stupid. btw, every1 was jus extremely gloomy for some reason. after waiting for over an hour, eric got a call from jeff saying we're good to go. now i was confused as shit cuz i thought we were packing but i jus gave up n stopped trying to figure it out. so we headed out n i had no idea where i was going, but instead of going to the show, i ended up at a place that was apparently emily's house.

i went inside n got a call from eric telling me to head over to this awesome party he was at. so i went upstairs n found emily, she was either really tired or really high, i dont remember. either way, she didnt wanna go so we jus drove around instead. while we were driving however, i decided that i wanted to play games on my cell phone. so the whole time that we drove, i was jus going straight n not turning, but only paying attention to my game. at one point in time, i realized that i wasnt even holding the wheel at all, but it didnt scare me or strike me as odd. eventually things faded black like a movie n then i woke up in a bed... in a tattoo parlor??? my mind was jus boggled at this point n emily was sleeping next to me. then a lady came up n was like "good morning sunshine," smiling like it was normal seeing ppl sleeping in a bed in a friggin tattoo parlor. i asked her where we were n how we got there n she told me that we LITERALLY drove our car into their door, like it fit through the door. (i cant remember where she said we were) so i looked over n saw a little black car parked in front of the doorway. as i think of it now, i dont understand how 2 ppl could even fit in that little thing, but in my dream it seemed to make sense. eventually i got up to head outside n check out our surroundings. then out of nowhere, night fell n when i turned around the whole place had changed. instead of a doorway there was jus a huge opening for the place and the parlor was no longer there. now there was jus a huge blanket on the floor that was over my car n a bunch of emily's co-workers lay on the blanket that was apparently over the car. as i started to let emily know that we had to go, her friends started complaining b/c apparently it was the best thing they've ever slept in. now there were 5 or so ppl, n i jus dont understand how they all managed to lay on the mini vehicle. then everyone started joking w/ emily saying that she owed them a car n that's when i woke up. i remember jus waking up n saying "what the fuck?" and that my friends, is the end of my post.

Tue, Jul. 5th, 2005, 02:04 pm
Now im stealing her body and taking it all...

i have decided... every 4th of july from now on... there shall b watermelon massacres... the guts oozed black last night... it was invigorating

Sat, Jun. 4th, 2005, 11:53 am
the early bird gets the worm...

for the past few weeks, ive been waking up anywhere between 11-12 no matter what time i go to bed, i guess it's not a bad thing since i get an earlier start to the day than i used to, but i do miss being able to sleep for hours on end, i even went to bed at almost 6 last night, but nope, i woke up, n couldnt get back to bed, o well, at least i dont feel dreadfully tired

Fri, May. 27th, 2005, 06:29 am
I can't stop this body shakin'....

hm... those sleeping pills worked wonderfully... a good 3 hours of sleep... *sigh* i guess i needed to take twice the amount it told me to...

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